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Finally [01 Feb 2006|05:50pm]
[ mood | excited ]

So today is my one year anniversary. I have to say I am finally happy. It's been the best year of my life, I've made huge strides. There was some bad though too including my best friend moving away and my failed attempt at starting college. I know i'm gonna make it happen eventually though. I have to much hunger for knowledge not to. Anyways I'm about to take my Baby out for great albeit expensive dinner. Tonight I give her a promise ring. I really hope things continue in this positive direction with my relationship. I can't imagine finding anyone better or wanting to even try.

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[23 Jan 2006|10:25am]
So its been a while again. I always say Im gonna be on top of this lj and update more but I just dont have that kind of committment to the net. It doesnt help that the people that are gonna read this already know wahts going on in my life. To all who my stumble upon though Ill go through whats new. I got an apartment with my girlfriend, its depleted my money but its made me feel like I moving in the right direction. I also finally got the fuck out of wal mart. I now work at Lowes,its still retail but Im treated a whole lot better than at wally world. I see a lot of oppurtunity to move up, so its all gravy. Thats pretty much it. Ill attempt another post when something relevant happens or i need to go off on a rant.
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[14 Apr 2005|05:26pm]
[ mood | doom a.ka. mood backward ]

So once again I have gone and abandoned my journal. Sorry bitches but I'm back.

A whole shitload has been happening so I'll update the peeps, not like there are any.
I broke up with my bitch of an ex. I read my last post, my so called revalation and realize now how misguided I was. She treated me like dirt and I came crawling back for more. I am fucking jubilant ( Yeah I said fucking jubilant, What? I can't mix those words?) to not have that burden anymore. I will go into the ins and outs of the break up in a future post.
I started dating a new girl, the crazy shit is that her name is also Amanda. Everything that my ex was, namely uber bitch from hell and as dumb as a grapefruit( God I hate grapefruits) my new girl isn't. She is such a cool girl and those are really rare. I would go into more but she just came home and I am sure I will make a whole post about it. There is tons more stuff but I'm gonna make a whole post about that stuff too. That's all for now, welcome me back with open arms my peeps. Man I am so frickin lame sometimes. Later

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Revalation [25 Jul 2004|10:44am]
Yeah i had one today. Th reason my life sucks and I have basically nothing is that i don't fucking deserve it. I am not the good person I claim to be. I treat people like shit and why? Well basically cause I hate mysellf so damn much. The one thing I have is Amanda and all I can do is continually fuck things up. She is such a good person a deserves better than a piece of shit like me.

The pain I feell right now is so overwhelming, I just looked at my my life and realized how little of an impact I have on this world and how few people would miss me if I was dead. I have my dad who is too dumb to care. I have my mom who is even more fucked up that me. I have no other family. I have about 5 friends and only two are close, the one I barely even get to talk to anymore. Then there is here and even though she might not agree she would be so much better without me. I love her so much but i just do not desreve to have her.
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[02 Jun 2004|09:58pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

What a great surprise. I was layig in my room just chilling watching TNA wrestling and listening to a little Opeth when I get a call which I missed cause my music was so loud. I checked my missed call list and it was my girlfriend, I called her back and she says "Come down and let us in the fucking door." She was at her youth group and she convinced her friend Danielle to bring her over.
We just layed there and chilled for like twenty five minutes and then her friend said they had to go soon so she would go down to her truck and let us have " 5 minutes of making out time." So we well... had 5 minutes of makeout time, things were starting to get a little heavy with some under the shirt boob grabbing but she had to go. I can not explain how much I had been wanting to kiss her like that for now. What a cool fucking end to a boring ass day off.

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[30 May 2004|04:21pm]
[ mood | happy ]

What a difference a day makes. I went to work today and was just in complete fucking misery. Everybody could tell and was asking me why, someone asked me what was wrong in the breakroom and I said iwas in a bad mood and this crazy lady who talks to herself is like "That young man is always in a bad mood>" I then proceeded to snap on her and teel her that nobody gives a fuck what she says and that no one even likes her.
I went on my lunch at 12 like always and was feeling like crap cause of this shit and on top of that it was pouring rain and I work outside so I was soaked. I went home on my lunch cause i live close, I ate and then just listened to music I think it was Eyes of Fire (by the way an awesome band) and then I drove back to work at 1.
I walked in and my stomach dropped, there was my girlfriend. I immediatly ran over to her and gave her a hug and kiss. It sucked cause I had to go clock back in and go back to work. She finished her shopping and i started working again. I then walked her to her aunt's car which is who she came with. I gave her aniother kiss and we said goodbye. I didn't get to see her for long but it made all the difference in the world. This is just another instance of how I can tell that I love her. After that everybody was asking me why I was in such a good mood and smiling especially since I don't smile all that much. I told them that I had seen my girl and they understood. Damn I love this girl so frickin' much it hurts.

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[29 May 2004|10:18pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

This entry requires a little back story so here ya go. About 2 and a half weeks ago I got a call from my girlfriend's mom while I was at work telling me we needed to talk and to not tell my girlfriend that she called. I of course called Amanda and told her and we botn immediatly knew what it was.
Indeed we were right, on that Friday I went over to her house and her parents confronted us a bout having sex. They made my girl take a pregnancy test and made me pay for it. Her dad threatened my life and basically told me that our love was a bunch of bullshit and I was too young to know what love is. The ironic thing is that her mom married him when she was 18 and got pregnant and had my girlfriend at 19. I told her parents that I loved her and was willing to deal with anything to be with her and I meant that.
That next day at work was really hard I broke down and cryed three times and I hadn't cryed in years. I felt like all of the shit I had to wade through in life was worth it because I finally had found a reason to live and now it was being ripped away from me. The next day because of hearing about how I was doing from Amanda her grandma came and talked to me and she helped me out alot and intern went and told her mom that she needed to come talk to me. So later that day right before I got off work her mom came she came over and hugged me and said she was sorry and started to cry. We decided we would meet at Subway for lunch and talk. We met there but decided to just sit on a bench and talk. Everything with her mom was straightened out and she has even grown to like me quite bit.
Where the problem lies is that her mom said she would not keep us apart but from what my girl tells me that is exactly what is happening. Since this has happened I have seen my girl for a total of about 3 hours and that was at her job while on lunch. I am hurting so fucking bad for every monent I spend apart from her. Okay back to her mom's sabotaging ways, Friday was our three month anniversary. I told her mom on Thursday that I wanted to do something with her daughter and she seemed cool with it. Then on Friday Amanda tells me that her mom won't let her do anything cause she is "ungrateful." Her mom said to her "I have given you too much freedom. I let you go to youth group, I let you volunteer at the soup kitchen, and go out and fill out job applications." Now this is just me but none of that shit sounds fun at all, how about the freedom to go out with your boyfriend i mean she is fucking 18. Her mom then told her that she wanted the two of them to hang out that day, keep in mind it is our 3 month anniversary and her mom knows it. Amanda was pissed and said no she didn't want to hang out with her. Her mom just doesn't see that by her doing this she is bringing Amanda and I closer while driving a bigger wedge between herself and Amanda.
So it has now been over a week since I have seen her and I did not get to do anything on our anniversary. I did send a dozen roses to her school and mmade a list of the reasons why I loved, put it in a frame and drove to her house on Friday night and put it in her car. Today was my day off and all I did was lay in my room on the brink of a breakdown and listen to my depressed cds. Thank god for Anathema, Amorphis, Opeth, and Katatonia. I don't know what I would do without music.

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wow it has been a long time [27 May 2004|04:30pm]
[ mood | good ]

Well it has...

A whole shit load has happened in my life since I last updated this damn thing. I feel like now that I actually have a life to write about I just don't feel the drive to update and talk er write about it.
I finally found a girlfriend, her name is Amanda and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I finally have purpose in life and am working on bettering things in my life so I can one day support a family. I also finally got laid which kind of goes hand and hand with the whole girlfriend thing.
It is weird cause my friend Tom and I have been in this unspoken contest this year, i got a car and then my temps then he got his temps and a car. He got a girlfriend and then I did. He got laid then I did. I alraedy got my license and I am loooking to get a better job and go back to school. Though I am in shitload of debt(car accident) and he is fucking loaded right now so it is really a toss up as to who is ahead.
I am really going to make a concious effort to update this piece cause I know no one really wnts to get involved with my journal if updates a so sparse.

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Thanks [21 Feb 2004|01:38pm]
Mucho thanks and praise go out to Tom on the new layout of my journal and my icon.
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again?! [20 Feb 2004|10:06am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Bah, this day is starting off real sucky. I went back to take emissions today and after putting $180.00 more dollars into my car and taking a trip to Milwaukee, I not only failed but failed by more. I have till March 31st and only one more try to pass or I just flushed $1,400.00 dollars down the fucking toliet on a vehicle I can't even drive. Why in fuck's sake does shit like this always happen to me, something will go good for me then it inevitably sours and goes horribly bad. Maybe it is fucking karma or maybe it is because I need to put my trust in Jesus Christ...nah.

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[16 Feb 2004|09:02pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Wow, today ended up being a pretty fucking good day. I was at work and I got called to clean up a pickle spill in the snack bar. I went over and Zach who I work with and I started to clean it up. There were two girls sitting at the table who had apparently dropped them. The interesting thing is the one girl who was pretty hot was wearing a white wife beater with no bra. My fucking eyes almost popped out of my head. I tryed my damnedest not to look but I know she sensed me looking.
We would go on to see them a couple more times, one time she said I smell pickles and I wanted to respond with I see nipples but I could deal without being fired. Zach and I waited for them to go through the checkout so we could follow them outside and watch a real show as it was pretty cold. As she left her friend asked me how old I was and I said 20 and she told me her roomate(Miss Nipples) was 20 and she wanted my number. I thought she was fucking around, so we went out to get carts. I saw her over by a car and it seemed like she was writing something on some paper on someone's car. Low and behold she motions me over and gives a piece of paper with her phone number and says "Oh, we had to make sure we could find our car."
This has got to be the first time that a girl has gone so out of her way to try to get with me. I had a really shitty Valentine's Day but things seem to be looking pretty good for me recently. Hopefully it isn't like every other instance in life where you are only elevated higher so you can fall farther.

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To Milwaukee we go [15 Feb 2004|11:48pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I had a very interesting trip yesterday night. I recently got my car and it failed the emission test, so I put some stuff in the gas tank that you burn out at high speeds. I asked my friend Jory if she would go with me on the Intersate because I didn't feel comfortable going alone.
We made it up there and decided that we were going to drive through downtown Milwaukee, wow, that was completly weird. It was like 1 in the morning but there were still alot of cars and stuff out. There was one instance where there was a yellow blinking light and so I start to pull out into the intersection and it suddenly turns blinking red and the cars opposite us start to go and I had to speed up so I didn't end up dead. Another hilarious moment was we pull up to a 4 way intersection with stop signs and see a guy in beteween two lanes. I waited about 10 seconds and then decided to go around him, as I do we see that he is sleeping right at the intersection. Jory got out knocked on his window and told him and he was like,"Oh I'm sorry." There were so many fucked up ghetto streets and back alleys that we decided to lock the doors.
We then needed to find our way back on the intersate to get something to eat because we were starving. The Intersate was right by us but we just couldn't find an entrance onto it. We managed to finally make it back on the highway and find the exit to the George Webbs that we were looking for. Jory and I had a quite intruiging conversation about my horrible luck with girls, and I finally told her about the fact that I didn't graduate high school. She is so damned smart and was able to set me in the right direction and even offer her help with the whole school thing. I have only had a handful of true friends and she is one of them. Jory then gets a text message from her girlfriend who had blown her off on Valentine's Day. She says she wants Jory to sleep over and would Ray be mad if he had to drive back alone. A side note to this is that I have like the worst sense of direction of anyone ever. I really did not want to do it but I really felt she was going to be dissappointed if I said no so I begrudgingly agreed.
She wrote me out some directions, we drove to her girlfriend's house, and I was on my way. The main problem was that she messed up a little on the directions and told me to take a right on Hooper road but it was actually called Ryan road. I drove past that and drove for like 10 minutes until I realized her mistake and decided to turn around. After that every thing was all fine and I got home just fine. I am pretty happy with the fact that I was able to overcome my complete lack of sense of direction and make it home alright. On top of that I was able to burn out the tank of gas so hopefully I can pass emission now.

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Bad Day [10 Feb 2004|10:04pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

Uhhh, what a shit day. It all started when my alarm didn't go off and I was almost late to my dentist appointment. I get there and get checked out and find out that I need a root canal which will cost me 150.00 out of pocket. The kicker is that I need a crown put on it but my insurance will not cover that until November so I have to get it ghetto rigged till then.
Then the day really got sucky when I went to see the Butterfly Effect with Ashlee. I think I completly misread the situation and made an ass out of myself. I was trying to decide for like the first 20 minutes of the movie if I should put my arm around her and finally decided that I would, bad choice. There was no reciprocation from her and I felt so dumb. Then my arm started to hurt but once you put it there you better just accept it and deal with the pain. She finally had to go to the bathroom and I was free, man my arm was so fricking numb it wasn't even funny. When the movie ended she quickly got up and left not saying but a couple things to me and then we parted with a crappy hug. Also on top of that the movie was no where near as good as I thought it was going to be, don't get me wrong it was good but no where near life changing.
On the way home I was thinking about shit too much and I managed to make the wrong turn and started heading away from my house. Now I go back to work tomorrow to start a 7 day in a row strecth and I get to see Ashlee who I have now made shit all awkward with. Man I am so fucking stupid at times

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My life now [02 Feb 2004|05:39pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

Well, I have decided that my first real post will be an extension of my bio page. It is November of 2002. I have no job, no car, absoloutly no experience with girls, very few friends, and to top it all off I am getting fatter every day because all I do is sit on my lazy ass all day and watch tv and smoke weed. I was in complete misery and then it got even worse.
First I will explain a little about my dad, he is an grown man but is so much more immature than any child I have ever met, though that stems from his well below normal intellect. He had been behind on his rent from the landlord from hell that we we sweetly referred to as "THE BITCH." She had apparently after two and half years of late payments and excuses decided she was going to kick us to the curb. With no real family we talked to and my friend Tom who lived with us and helped out with the rent bailing(I talked with him about this and resolved it)we were forced to live in The Bluebird Motel.
This place sucked, it was run by the foreign people who I am certain had cameras in the room. We had to pay $200.00 a week for total hell. I had no job and was froced to sit in this hellhole realizing that I did nothing for soceity and that I would be much better off dead. The only thing I did I was take my dads money and save it for him so it was not wasted and we could get a new place. I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years in that place. Then my friend Eddie came through for me with a job at the local theatre working 3rd shift cleaning theatres and bathrooms.
Then one day coming home from work saw a sign for a place for rent I wrote the number down called it later that day and we made an appointment to check out the place. We looked at it and told the guy we wanted it(I would have taken anything) paid him and made the plans to move in. Things finally seemed like they were going good for me and then, curveball. I went to work January 31st and was met with a hearty fuck you and the news that all of 3rd shift was fired...errrrmmmm.... excuse me "Job Elimination." So what did me and my friends do? Well of course we thought lets stop smoking but first but first lets smoke a fucking ounce in one night to forget about shit, but i couldn't. I needed a new job and damn quick cause I was not about to sit on my ass again.
My friend Justin lined me up a job working 3rd at Pic-N-Sav but it was only part time so I turned it down. Falling back into my misery I decided to smoke again. Then only a week later I got a call from Wal-Mart who I had put in an application with months ago, they wanted me to come in for an interview. I went in and was told they would hire me as a stockman(cart pusher/100s of other gay shit jobs) pending a drug test. I called my friend Eddie and he took me to the porn store to get this fruit drink that cleans your piss. I went and took the test and passed and I got myself a nice new shiny job.
That was 9 months ago and am happy to say things are way better than they were. Being a Stockman I lost 75 pounds and now am down to a sphelt 162 pounds from 235. I was able to start to spread my social wings and made some new friends. I was also finally able to buy a car(a 1989 Chevy Blazer) and best of all for the first time since elementary school, girls are checking me out. I even had a short term Girlfriend, emphasis on short. She did however turn out to be psycho bitch, much like most girls as I am quickly learning but that will be for another post. I can only hope that this trend continues into next year. The next goals will be going back to school, a better job, a non crazy girlfriend, and a job that will allow me to move out on my own.

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